Monthly Archives: June 2012

Fear is in the air.

Zombie.

Will he be knocking at your door anytime soon?

Now that most people know that the MAYAN calendar goes way past 2012, everyone can now relax, right? I would not be too hasty with my answer. Now people are afraid of “bath salts” causing zombie like behavior, and hairless apes are afraid that the earth may be reaching a tipping point.

The bath salts drugs causing cannibalistic behavior is disturbing, but if one is bitten by a person hopped up on this junk, one does not become a zombie. True you could die, and having someone trying to eat you alive is worse than watching a political debate, but zombies will not be taking over the earth anytime soon; however, the earth may be reaching a tipping point.

The earth has reached tipping points before, and the term seems to be synonymous with mass extinction events. The earth going through such a drastic change during our lifetimes is scary stuff; however, scientist warned us decades ago that we were heading into a new Ice Age, and the scientists were wrong. I do believe that we monkeys are hurting the environment, but scientist do tend to be over dramatic from time to time.

In any event, before everyone stared freaking out about the Mayan calendar and zombies, we all were going to die because of radiation leaked from the damaged Japanese reactors. I thought that I might have a real chance to develop super powers, but I ended up wasting a lot of time trying to climb walls like Spiderman.

Before everyone thought the world was going to end because of radiation, everyone thought the world was going to die because of the Bird Flu or H1N1. The world became freaked out, people started hoarding supplies that were badly needed elsewhere, and nothing happened.

So, what is your point, Yoda of the blogging universe? My point is that people worry too much about things that they can do little about, but let us assume you are ready for one of these tragic events. Would you be willing to turn women, children, and men away asking for help, knowing they were going to die? If you are, I did write an article about what you should have in your Doomsday kit (Hey, I am not dead yet).

If you are interested in reading about what you should have in your survival kit click http://pmorries.hubpages.com/hub/It-Depends-on-Which-Doomsday-You-Want-to-Prepare-for.

If you are interested in reading a new article on the zombie apocalypse click  http://www.squidoo.com/the-2012-apocalypse

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June 13, 2012 · 4:25 am

My baby avatar(s).

Recently, I was asked if the picture (s) I use, as an avatar, is my son. The answer is no, but I do have some wonderful pictures of him that I could use. This is the most un-macho thing that I have ever written, but I love babies. Babies, to me, represent hope. They mean that God has not given up on us yet. I know that many babies live terrible lives, but I do not blame God for that. I blame an absurd universe. One can say the universe is absurd because there is no God, or because the fall of man ruined a perfect world. In either case, having any one suffer is God’s will; however, this blog posting is not about God.

I chose the two baby avatars that I use because they express two different emotions or things to me. The picture that I use as my profile picture represents me, trying to project a no nonsense attitude, I am either giving it to you straight, or I want you to give it to me straight.

The baby that I use for this blog represents me thinking, and it also represents me having a child like wonder. It know it sounds super corny, but I am what I am (both God and Popeye have said that quote, so I am in good company).

In closing, I know that this was not my best entry, so if you want a good chuckle or to check out my Hubpages at http://pmorries.hubpages.com.

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No More MR. Nice Guy.

Every few days or so, I declare that I will no longer be a, “Nice guy”. The song No More Mr. Nice Guy (the Megadeth version) starts playing in my head, and I begin to fantasize about joining the dark side.

The first thing I would want to do is buy a, “Horn Broken, Watch for finger!” bumper sticker. I cannot stand all the crazy driving I witness on the road. I also want to buy a bullhorn to take along with me while I am driving. That way, if I let someone merge into my lane and they do not give me the thank you wave, I can yell,  “Your freaking welcome, Jackass”, with my bull horn; however, I would not just limit myself by only being mean while driving.

If, I am standing in the checkout line with one item and the person in front of me has a cart full of stuff. I can start saying, in a loud voice, I am sure you see me here with one item. I doubt you are in such a hurry that waiting for them to ring one item up will kill you. Then if they ignore me or give me a go to hell look, I can start calling out embarrassing items in their shopping cart. Gee lady, your family sure goes through a lot of toilet paper, and do I see both Preparation H and VagisIl in your cart?

Furthermore, with my new attitude, I would have the freedom to say something to the cashier who is flirting with a girl instead of helping me.  I would say something like, “Dude girls do not like broke boyfriends, and if you do not help me soon, you might be out of a job.” Alternatively, I can look at a nametag for his name and say, “Hey Hunter, did that STD test come back positive again?”

Also, when someone starts to lecture me, who should never, ever lecture anyone on anything, I can start lecturing him or her back. Because, we all know,  most lecturers have more things wrong with them than anyone else. I would be so happy to pull the skeletons out of their closet and start having them dance for everyone’s entertainment. I might even sell popcorn for the show

In addition, when someone says, “You sure have put on some weight.”  I can say, “Wow, I see you haven’t gotten any more intelligent or tactful since I have seen you last. “

When I see a man fail to hold open a door for a woman with groceries bags in one arm, a baby in the other arm, and has a dog on a leash (true story). I can say, “What, the door was too heavy for you to hold open?”, or “What, you hate women and children and dogs?”, or “Your mom must be so proud.”

Think of it, being able to speak with no filters or having to worry if you are being hypocritical or not must be refreshing. The ability to feed back a person the same line of feces they are trying to feed you has to be cathartic. The freedom of being a hypocrite and a numb skull must feel like flying; however, the song ends, and I realize that I am not a numbskull (well most of the time I am not” and that I despise hypocrites. Therefore, I remain nice, but I still have my dark fantasies.

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P is For Patrick

I have noticed that I have been giving a lot of sage advice lately. The advice that I have been giving has changed lives (sometimes for the better). A friend has told me that I should start an advice column and name it P is for Patrick. Therefore, I will now start a segment on my blog called P is for Patrick.  This new segment will run from time to time, and I encourage you to submit your questions below for future segments. Now let me go through the questions I have on file and start dishing out the wisdom.

Dear P is for Patrick,

I read the article that you wrote about How to Be Irresistible to Women. You say in the article, “All you have to do is be devastatingly handsome, very wealthy, or famous to get the woman of your dreams.” I find your advice mildly offensive and completely impractical. What do you have to say about that?

Sincerely,

Average Joe

Dear Average Joe,

Do not fear, Average Joe because I have more advice for you, and I too would be mildly offended if someone said that women are only attracted to handsome, rich, or famous guys.  There are many more ways to attract the woman of your dreams (being a gentle soul and making her laugh will never make her fall for you). For example, are you in a band or are you a “bad boy?” Both of those situations would make you much more appealing to women. If neither of these conditions appeal to you, one could do something as simple as selling one’s soul to the devil. There are even love potions sold over the internet (in fact, I sell them). If neither of those options works, you might want to try blackmail. You will get to stalk, um, I mean follow her to gather the information you need. Moreover, you are not really stalking her; you just never give up when you are motivated by love. In closing, I hope that you find your soul mate.

Cordially,

P is for Patrick

Dear Jackass,

The creep who lives next store to me wrote you an email asking for advice. I know that he wrote you because he had a copy of your blog in his hands when they hauled him away. First of all, not all of my boyfriends were rich, handsome, or bad boys. In fact, one of them was the starting quarterback at my high school. Secondly, the creep you gave the advice to was wearing a black robe and had a headless rubber chicken in his pocket when he was arrested. What is weird is that I found a rubber chicken head and ketchup on my doorstep yesterday. In any event, the detectives assigned to my case believe that lover boy was trying to cast a weird voodoo spell that you sell on the internet. In closing, stop giving people horrible advice.

Sincerely,

Jessica

Dear P is for Patrick,

My name is Average Joe and I wrote you asking for advice on how to attract the woman of my dreams. I followed your advice to the letter. I sold my soul to the devil and I used that weird voodoo spell, you sold me on Graig’s List. When that did not work, I started to stalk her so that I could blackmail her.  Unfortunately, I am now in jail, and I have to protect my virtue whenever I take a shower. Furthermore, the devil just visited me, and he said that has accepted my offer. Satan says that I will meet my soul mate on my deathbed, and then I will get to defend my virtue for eternity in the showers of hell. In closing, I hope to see you in hell.

Sincerely,

Average Joe

Dear Average Joe,

Love is a wonderful thing, and it should not be limited by our petty prejudices. You are now getting all the attention you ever wanted by those who are attracted to you, and it sounds like you have also found eternal love. I must say that you are truly welcome.

Cordially,

P is for Patrick

PS  Jessica has decided that she likes gentle souls who make her laugh and guys who are willing to pursue her at all costs. She is getting married next week, and the gentleman looks a lot like you.

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