P is For Patrick

I have noticed that I have been giving a lot of sage advice lately. The advice that I have been giving has changed lives (sometimes for the better). A friend has told me that I should start an advice column and name it P is for Patrick. Therefore, I will now start a segment on my blog called P is for Patrick.  This new segment will run from time to time, and I encourage you to submit your questions below for future segments. Now let me go through the questions I have on file and start dishing out the wisdom.

Dear P is for Patrick,

I read the article that you wrote about How to Be Irresistible to Women. You say in the article, “All you have to do is be devastatingly handsome, very wealthy, or famous to get the woman of your dreams.” I find your advice mildly offensive and completely impractical. What do you have to say about that?

Sincerely,

Average Joe

Dear Average Joe,

Do not fear, Average Joe because I have more advice for you, and I too would be mildly offended if someone said that women are only attracted to handsome, rich, or famous guys.  There are many more ways to attract the woman of your dreams (being a gentle soul and making her laugh will never make her fall for you). For example, are you in a band or are you a “bad boy?” Both of those situations would make you much more appealing to women. If neither of these conditions appeal to you, one could do something as simple as selling one’s soul to the devil. There are even love potions sold over the internet (in fact, I sell them). If neither of those options works, you might want to try blackmail. You will get to stalk, um, I mean follow her to gather the information you need. Moreover, you are not really stalking her; you just never give up when you are motivated by love. In closing, I hope that you find your soul mate.

Cordially,

P is for Patrick

Dear Jackass,

The creep who lives next store to me wrote you an email asking for advice. I know that he wrote you because he had a copy of your blog in his hands when they hauled him away. First of all, not all of my boyfriends were rich, handsome, or bad boys. In fact, one of them was the starting quarterback at my high school. Secondly, the creep you gave the advice to was wearing a black robe and had a headless rubber chicken in his pocket when he was arrested. What is weird is that I found a rubber chicken head and ketchup on my doorstep yesterday. In any event, the detectives assigned to my case believe that lover boy was trying to cast a weird voodoo spell that you sell on the internet. In closing, stop giving people horrible advice.

Sincerely,

Jessica

Dear P is for Patrick,

My name is Average Joe and I wrote you asking for advice on how to attract the woman of my dreams. I followed your advice to the letter. I sold my soul to the devil and I used that weird voodoo spell, you sold me on Graig’s List. When that did not work, I started to stalk her so that I could blackmail her.  Unfortunately, I am now in jail, and I have to protect my virtue whenever I take a shower. Furthermore, the devil just visited me, and he said that has accepted my offer. Satan says that I will meet my soul mate on my deathbed, and then I will get to defend my virtue for eternity in the showers of hell. In closing, I hope to see you in hell.

Sincerely,

Average Joe

Dear Average Joe,

Love is a wonderful thing, and it should not be limited by our petty prejudices. You are now getting all the attention you ever wanted by those who are attracted to you, and it sounds like you have also found eternal love. I must say that you are truly welcome.

Cordially,

P is for Patrick

PS  Jessica has decided that she likes gentle souls who make her laugh and guys who are willing to pursue her at all costs. She is getting married next week, and the gentleman looks a lot like you.

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2 Comments

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2 responses to “P is For Patrick

  1. Theresa

    OK, you are really, really good at this and when do you study. You do study don’t you? I am going to be bitter if you say you don’t study, because I had to study a lot! BTW, the line where Average Joe said , “I have to protect my virtue.” made reading the whole post worth it. 🙂

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