No More MR. Nice Guy.

Every few days or so, I declare that I will no longer be a, “Nice guy”. The song No More Mr. Nice Guy (the Megadeth version) starts playing in my head, and I begin to fantasize about joining the dark side.

The first thing I would want to do is buy a, “Horn Broken, Watch for finger!” bumper sticker. I cannot stand all the crazy driving I witness on the road. I also want to buy a bullhorn to take along with me while I am driving. That way, if I let someone merge into my lane and they do not give me the thank you wave, I can yell,  “Your freaking welcome, Jackass”, with my bull horn; however, I would not just limit myself by only being mean while driving.

If, I am standing in the checkout line with one item and the person in front of me has a cart full of stuff. I can start saying, in a loud voice, I am sure you see me here with one item. I doubt you are in such a hurry that waiting for them to ring one item up will kill you. Then if they ignore me or give me a go to hell look, I can start calling out embarrassing items in their shopping cart. Gee lady, your family sure goes through a lot of toilet paper, and do I see both Preparation H and VagisIl in your cart?

Furthermore, with my new attitude, I would have the freedom to say something to the cashier who is flirting with a girl instead of helping me.  I would say something like, “Dude girls do not like broke boyfriends, and if you do not help me soon, you might be out of a job.” Alternatively, I can look at a nametag for his name and say, “Hey Hunter, did that STD test come back positive again?”

Also, when someone starts to lecture me, who should never, ever lecture anyone on anything, I can start lecturing him or her back. Because, we all know,  most lecturers have more things wrong with them than anyone else. I would be so happy to pull the skeletons out of their closet and start having them dance for everyone’s entertainment. I might even sell popcorn for the show

In addition, when someone says, “You sure have put on some weight.”  I can say, “Wow, I see you haven’t gotten any more intelligent or tactful since I have seen you last. “

When I see a man fail to hold open a door for a woman with groceries bags in one arm, a baby in the other arm, and has a dog on a leash (true story). I can say, “What, the door was too heavy for you to hold open?”, or “What, you hate women and children and dogs?”, or “Your mom must be so proud.”

Think of it, being able to speak with no filters or having to worry if you are being hypocritical or not must be refreshing. The ability to feed back a person the same line of feces they are trying to feed you has to be cathartic. The freedom of being a hypocrite and a numb skull must feel like flying; however, the song ends, and I realize that I am not a numbskull (well most of the time I am not” and that I despise hypocrites. Therefore, I remain nice, but I still have my dark fantasies.

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2 Comments

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2 responses to “No More MR. Nice Guy.

  1. Theresa

    This is so refreshing. I was a little afraid you were going to be “serious, responsible grad school student.” But you are you! Elsewhere and here! I am not trying to be enigmatic, but it occurred to me that I ought not to make the details of your life public; that is you job. Laughed out loud three times, impressive.

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